Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sara's Dateline Rules.

Ok folks, it's been a bit, but not for lack of things going on. I am just too good for my own blog these days.... sorry blog, ear muffs.

I wanted to talk about something serious. Stop laughing, I'm serious! Its about getting kidnapped. I know....shit just got real. So basically in my endeavours along with my friends, there is dating activity. Along with dating strangers, comes dangers. And there is no more of a paranoid person then myself to have on your team, since I appointed myself super sleuth of my friendship circle. That is a prestigious honor by the way, don't mock it. I even have my own outfit, it looks something like this:

As self appointed super sleuth, it is my job to watch way to many shows on the ID channel related to murders, sociopaths, kidnapping and crime in general. You call them nightmares, I call them dreams.
I digress, the point is, as my ladies continue to peruse the dating scene I have over time developed rules that are a requirement to making sure your bones won't be made into wind chimes. I call them my Dateline rules, as in, the rules you need to follow so you don't end up on Dateline. Call me crazy, or whatever you want, but at least you will still be able to call me because you won't be dead. (Its a thankless job, but someones got to do it.).

Rule number 1:
Always attempt to pre-stalk your date online. You never know, his arrest record may pop up and save you a 911 phone call. If his facebook photo of him with his wife and children show up in your search you can thank me later. But don't be one of those that gets all cray cray memorizing your date's college major, pet's name, and last twitter update....too much.

Rule number 2:
If they live in another state, you aren't going to meet them for a date. Ever. Not because you can't go there to meet them, but it's against Dateline rules. Do you really think that in the entire state of NY that he couldn't find a girl to go out with, and that you are his dream girl??? You are not. What you are is catfished, away from your friends and family and help. Wind chimes.

Rule number 3:
Tell a friend, or friends everything you know. Like what? Like your date's phone number, description of what they look like, first and last name, where you are going to meet and what time it is happening. Sound a little too much?? Well I'm not done. If you can forward a picture to me, you are really on your game. Whats that?? You don't know their last name?? Wind chimes.

This seems simple, but Dateline rules apply to lots of scenarios. For example, buying things on Craigslist and meeting people to pick them up, etc. I must warn you, however, even Dateline rules can go wrong. Just recently my good friend Audrey went to do this very activity. She followed all the rules and sent me every last bit of information she could. And then..... the unthinkable. Her phone died. Now- I am not one to mess with, I created these damn rules, and I WILL call the cops. I gave her approx 30 min to contact me or else I would get all Liam Neeson on her ass and start tracking her myself. Luckily, she received my series of frantic messaging before I did anything drastic. Lesson learned- charge phone first.

Now these rules have hashtags, and side notes and even branches of more rules, but I hope you can figure them out. If you or one of your friends wishes to apply for super sleuth status, please submit your applications to me via email. There is a training process, you don't get this paranoid overnight.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"Well... sometimes I have the feeling I can do crystal meth, but then I think, mmm... better not."

Happy 2013!

I thought it was time that Sara and I brought back the blog.  We've been pretty much MIA when it comes to our blog for quite sometime now.  Overall 2012 was a pretty banging year for both Sara and I.  We went to some awesome concerts (Coldplay and MADONNA!), we spent 7 fun filled days in Mexico with some of our favorite people (Hola Ecocats!), and much much more but the point being it was a pretty damn awesome year.

With the exception of MAYBE one thing.  Sara and I found tons of success in 2011 losing weight and 2012 was a stagnant year of sorts when it came down to weight loss.  Both of us managed to keep our weight off but I managed to gain and lose the same ten pounds all year and in the process perhaps a bad habit or two have started to make its way back into my daily life. (No I did not hang out with Sara on Saturday and eat Popeye's...) 2013 is a bit of a reboot year for me personally.  Like 2012 was the Batman Movies with Michael Keaton but I'm working on 2013 being like the Batman movies with Christian Bale.  Like there is nothing wrong with the original Batman but the new one is definitely improved.

So I set a goal to kick my ass into gear.  Ladies and Gents, I am signed up to run a half marathon.  I thought this was a brilliant idea back in September.  I was all "I need a goal that isn't scale related, blah, blah."   And now all I can think is:  Holy. Shit.  Do you know how far 13.1 miles is?

I "officially" started my training yesterday with a 3 mile run.  To be honest I wanted to die a little after it was over but I did finish it and it is the first time in a couple of months I have run a full three miles full out so I am a little proud of myself for that.  (Baby steps people!)

I would like to take a second to thank Rhianna for her jam "We Found Love in A Hopeless Place."  Without that song, I doubt I would have finished my run yesterday.  This brings me to my next point--I need some new music to run!  If you are reading this, please send me suggestions!   Seriously anything you can think of that gets you pumped up or is your favorite dance jam, I want to hear about it!

And last and not least, one of my biggest regrets in starting this whole thing almost two years ago is that I never really took progress photos so to keep me accountable and to hopefully keep me back on the eating well wagon, I bring you my first progress photo of 2013.

 (Ok it is a slightly terrible photo but I took in the bathroom at work and I was doing it in a hurry!)

Anywho, I plan on documenting this little half marathon journey through our blog, so stay tuned to see how it goes.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Four score and 7 years ago...

It happened. I found someone who enjoys my insanity as much as I enjoy theirs..... I know wait for massive explosion or possible baby to fall from the sky and purple elephants to fly over your head. I realize that throughout this journey I have gone through many stages of a very unpredictable life. And we all know unpredictable for me means fun reading for you. But what happens when the dating stories stop?? Am I even still allowed to write on this blog?

Ummmm seriously? Shame on you.  That's your answer.

To be clear the dating stories don't stop they are just consistently with one asshole who is willing to put up with my nonsense, and is well aware he may end up in said blog. So if anything it just provides me with more ammo and my snarkiness.... well, that is permanent :) To show the same compassion as I did for all the other blokes that ended up on this blog, I will kindly refer to this one as 'It took you long enough'. Kidding. He will go by the name shellfish. We'll get there...

Brief background: Shellfish and I have been friends for quite some time and although we had a brief time apart, oh say 7 years, you can't shake a solid friendship. Sadly, we are both boring enough that we were able to pick up right where we left off and that is the end of that snoozefest story. Anyhow, it's hard to date someone without actually getting to go out on dates. Oops, I almost forgot, Shellfish lives in Kansas. I know... I said the same thing, but he has slowly been winning me over with stories of food. (Obviously he started reading the beginning of this blog and the jig is up) Anywhoooo he came for a visit this month and we decided to make up for lost time. There were way to many ridiculous outings to share from just this one weekend, but I'll stick to the one that got him his name.

So why shellfish? Well I recently learned that my loverboy has an allergy to shrimp. A bad one. Which I can only assume means other shellfish, so the first thing on our agenda while he was here was to go eat some good old Maryland crabs :) After arriving in Annapolis, we went to Cantlers for some yummy all you can eat. Midway through stuffing out faces, I looked up and asked him, "Did you bring your epipen?"..... Response: "I was just thinking that,..... nope." Well what do you know?! This meal just got a little interesting. After indicating to me that his tongue was a little itchy, I felt the need to check on him every 10 minutes to make sure his face wasn't swelling up like Will Smith in Hitch. While we made it through the meal without needing to stab him in the leg (not that we could have because that bozo left his pen at the house), the true highlight of this story is that he insisted on continuing, and did so for about 2-3 hours eating crabs with me with a shellfish allergy. I'd like to think it was because of the company, but lets be honest with ourselves.... who can beat Md crabs? Either I have found my food soul mate, who sacrifices all for a good meal, or I have fallen for a big stupid idiot who is completely reckless about his own health and wants to end up like this:

I'll let you be the judge :) 

Monday, July 9, 2012

Its All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Pat on the Butt.

So I realize I should space these out some, but who cares when you have this much ammo. So I'm not sure where I should begin, this is sort of a combo blog. As you know I am online dating, but have not stopped trying to meet people out and about like normal social people do. Neither has proved to be a success and for reasons I will share with you here. (This might seem lengthy but totally worth it)

First up. Rock and Roll Hotel. While I love this place I have managed to meet some real strange cookies in this bar. Just a couple weeks ago I was there and exchanged phone numbers with an attractive (problem #1.... I know, you'd think being attractive is not a problem, but it is when they know it.) young man, who I had little conversation with (problem #2). I don't care about giving out my number because well I can just ignore you later, it is an easy way to end conversation if you ask me. So anyhow, long story short, this euro pro basketball player (I know I scoffed to, no one cares about Italy's basketball team) ended up being a total pushy creeper that tried to get me to meet him at his house. Obviously I didn't want to get cut into pieces so I declined and he threw an adult temper tantrum complete with "Lose my number, have a nice day." Then two seconds later a phone call I didn't answer and a text.. "call me baby." I won't go into all the reasons this is crazy to me, but lets just say there won't be any save the dates going out.

Then just the other night I spent the night dancing with a total nerd/slightly douche gentleman, because I was bored, and even though I wasn't interested in him I thought he was harmless and relatively sweet. He did at one point puppeteer my arms whilst dancing alla John Travolta Saturday Night Fever... I know. Then the end of the night rolled around and he asked me to dance with him again before we all left. When we finished he said nice meeting you, grabbed my shoulders and flipped me in the opposite direction of him and then with a little shove off said, "on your way.." and then patted me on the ass. I wanted to be offended since I wasn't interested and how dare he pat me on the ass and turn me away!  But it was just to damn funny. In the moment though I thought of turning around and punching him in the face. That's right.... we PG girls don't slap, I would have just clocked you one in the eye for being that rude. Thank goodness I was so speechless that I walked out and took my aggression out on the bouncer by reenacting what I will now refer to as the butt patting incident of 2012.

So perhaps online dating isn't so bad? All of these regular weirdos at the bar are clearly just as ridiculous. Well then I got this email today from who I am sure is a lovely young gentleman. PS. this is totally real, I am simply copy and pasting:
"Hey how are you doing today? I have a question for you. How do you feel about me entertaining you by Me giving You a nice fun free strip show? And trust me its only entertainment, I don't want you thinking that I'm looking for sex."

Of course you aren't looking for sex, I always assume the best way to get to know someone in a non sexual manor is to get a strip tease. What else is that for? I mean, when is the last time that someone taking their clothes off to music slowly and sensually ended in sex? Mine always end in a hearty meal, usually some high fives followed by a game of rock paper scissors and some good old conversation. Thanks for the clarity buddy.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Still Burping Up Last Nights Dinner.

Gross right? What does this have to do with dating? Nothing. Well sort of, follow me if you will....

I have been dating now for a bit which means over the course of several months I've exchanged phone numbers, emails and high fives with several gentlemen  guys in the DMV. Some have been a few dates and it didn't work out, others just didn't work out. Either way, the key term to take away from these statements is.... didn't work out.

Now with that in mind I return to my blog title. Food is delicious, but have you ever had that lasting indigestion, where you burp hours later (maybe even a day because you are dysfunctional) and you can taste your previous meal?? Its not a good taste, because you were finished with your meal and well frankly, nothing tastes that good the second time around especially not in gaseous form. Well recently I have been contacted by some old dates..... you see where I'm going with this?

Look I hate to sound mean, but yes I am comparing being contacted by and old date that I didn't like to a smelly old burp. You know when it happens you were slightly reminded of the delicious meal you had, then the bad taste creeps in your mouth and your face turns sour....

Yep, that's about right. So the first was a very sweet gentleman who took me to a very nice restaurant (perhaps a little too classy for this gal) but I just wasn't feeling it. Unlike others, I had the common courtesy to tell him that, even though it was painfully awkward and one sided apparently... me being the side. Months later he emails me in a friendly tone, so I wrote back, like the dip shit I am. He quickly turned it back towards romantic and I bolted. Ugh... how do I not see these things coming??

The next couple were just plain silly. One I didn't even make it out on a date with because he sounded so creepy via text, that I politely cancelled. He then decided to try for round 2 recently...burnt. Nope. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. Dude, you tried to get me to meet you at a hotel?! When I told you to fall off a cliff, what in the world made you think this was going to go in a different direction? Clearly I didn't respond... I wised up this time around, it only took my potential kidnapping to do so. The last one well, I can't say too much about, but we had zero in common, and yet somehow he still wants to get together. Gee, I wonder what for? Hmm lets see, we have nothing to talk about sooooo, yeah. Get real.

Come on guys! Lets get realistic here, you options aren't so bleak that you are turning yourself into a man whore or a stalker are they?!  BUrrrrp......