You mess with the bull.... you'll get the horns.

Sooooo we meet again. I would like to first point out that since this is still a blog about weight loss journeys, I have hit my goal! Yes this could be considered private information, but as Audrey stated in a previous blog, we are going to be proud when we hit our goals and want the world to celebrate it. Or at least get some damn fireworks from a small crowd during a WW meeting. So without stating my current weight I will just say that I have lost 34 pounds and couldn't be happier. I worked my ass off for that, so you are lucky I didn't also buy a small billboard over 495 with bright lights and kittens. (I'm not sure why I said kittens, but they are cute a draw attention so I suppose they could still serve a purpose)

I digress, since I can't get enough of these amazing dates I have been on, I agreed to go on a couple more. If you haven't noticed, I only write about the ones that one day won't get me in trouble in case I meet someone I really like, so I am only going to talk about one man, and one man only during this blog. Bull horns.

Bull horns has by far been my most ridiculous yet most comically satisfying date thus far. For those who know I was going on this date, this would be the nerdy scientist (for the record, that is how he described himself.... which wasn't a lie, he was a borderline genius...I should have known then). I'll begin: So I agreed to meet bull horns at an Asian fusion restaurant downtown at around 7pm. I first walk in to the lobby and see an attractive man waiting and looking vaguely like the photos for bull horns..... but apparently not him. Damn. Then, the door opens and he arrives..... wowzers.

OK that's not really him, but Bull horns, your photos are a little misleading.... I'm just saying. It may make me an asshole, but it wouldn't be the first time someone called me that. Anyhow, I reach out to shake his hand and say hello.... he awkwardly reaches back and some how misses my grip and we end up grasping on to each others thumbs in a weird interaction I'd like to forget. It felt like my hand just got to second base with his and didn't like it, so I quickly turned to the host to follow him to our seat. Let the games begin...

So we sat down and grabbed the menu and began to ponder our dinner choice in what I can only describe as the longest 10 minutes of my life. Dead silence. I thought, hmmm I might have to carry this convo so I better think of a good start. But I've got nothing.... ok wait, it was just NYE- ask him about that. "How was your NYE?" and then it happened. You may have been wondering why his nickname is what it is... He proceeds to lift up his hands and threw out the heavy metal bull horn hand gesture and say "kick ass." Not a big deal right???? Well multiply that hand gesture and that response by about 16, and that would be about how many times this happened during dinner which only encouraged me to stop saying things that were so "kick ass."

After a single hour of one sided conversation and a slip in a story where Bull horns actually referred to me as 'hot chick' to my face, I was about done. The fumes from his hair gel were starting to get to me, and the fact that his teeth were so pointy I was beginning to think there was some truth to this vampire stuff everyone is so addicted to. At the end of this date I thought man I am being rather harsh... Bull horns might just be nervous, and even though I know this isn't going anywhere, I should give him a break. I will remind you that although these thoughts are going through my head, and am on nothing but my best behavior except for a small giggle I let slip after bull horn gesture #12.

So we are exiting the restaurant and I give him a hug goodbye. "It was really nice to meet you," I said. "It was really nice to meet you too Sara," Bull horns replied. Only I wish that was all he had done, instead that reply was coupled with a long and obvious glare from my face all the way to my toes, and then back up to my face.... then maybe back down again to my thighs and oh wait there are my eyes! Gross.... you almost had me Bull horns.... you almost had me.

What to you get when you mix....

A baby, a Yale graduate and an ex-marine dog trainer together? My most recent dating history. Well not all of it but at least the ones I am willing to share for now.

If you are catching up from my previous blog about my dating endeavours you will notice that I have some updates and fresh nicknames. First, gobble gobble is history we only spoke briefly but as I mentioned to a friend, sometimes I get carried away and don't even know what I am saying anymore so when I asked if he caught any of his family members on fire while frying their Thanksgiving turkey, he passed on further conversation. I don't blame him.

Winter sports (formerly known as Lassie) is also gone. This one is more of a sad case. I actually liked winter sports, he was extremely handsome, seemed to have his life together and was nice to talk to. However, somewhere between not answering all my questions and when I tried to look up his facebook and found it photoless, I convinced myself he was married with children and didn't want to get chopped up into little pieces so I abruptly stopped talking. Yep just never answered again.... I know, this is probably how people get complexes.

Yale (formerly snowmaggedon) and I actually made it out for drinks. I was a little worried about this one as I know where my smarts start and finish, and they never finished at Yale University as his did. So after being convinced by several friends to just go with it, I did... and well, it went something like this. Yale shows up a little late in a 3 piece suit and a fabric tie. Its Friday did I mention? I tried to make light of the idea that casual Fridays were a regular practice in my office hence my attire, but then realized I wasn't the one out of place at The Big Hunt, so I let it go. When he got around to asking me what I did after he mentioned his extensive background in education, I spoke about the non profit I work for. And then he pulled out a chart that looked like this:









Kidding. But he might as well, because he started quizzing me on percentages in the red and blue states because it was "acceptable since we live in DC." Is it? It doesn't matter, I didn't have the answers to most, so I made up a lot of stuff. If they gave A's in bullshitting, I would have been on the Dean's list. Needless to say after a rousing conversation about teen pregnancy, I told him to just go to my home town of P.G. county to get real facts and then we could be done with this conversation.... ok kidding again but that is what I was thinking. Anyways, I think my eyes began to cross as he was talking because his fabric tie started to look like it was becoming 3-D and jumping out at me. Time to go.

So Yale is gone. I ended up going out with China as well- I hadn't mentioned him because he popped up out of no where and we actually went on a couple dates. Then after admitting that I had lost some weight on an earlier date, this jabroni actually tells me some story of his neighbors childhood as a fat kid and I nearly punched him in the eyeball. Are you dense? Never.... never make fun of a fat person to a former chub. There were many other things that went wrong after the second outing, but I think you get the point.

I felt a renewal of energy this week and began conversations with a few new people. But all of the sudden this baby used the IM function and totally caught me off guard. After asking me if I thought age mattered, I said sort of since he was 5 years my junior, but I suppose it was really about the maturity level. He asked if we could chat some and see where it went. I agreed but was immediately regretful once I looked at his profile.... I interrupted his typing..."Ahem, I'm really sorry, I know I said we could chat some but I just looked at your profile and not only am I 5 years older than you, but you live an hour away and you are 2 inches shorter than me. This doesn't have a shot in hell." And then I immediately logged off. Between you and me, as most women would say, it was the 2 inches that mattered the most.

So what have I learned so far? Nothing.

The United Nations

That's what my 'dating' life is looking like right about now. I am not sure if it is that I don't have a type, or that I am so indifferent that I talk to everyone. I can at least say that I may be getting closer to world peace. All I need now is a Native American and maybe a Jew.

It looks a little something like this:So part of this blog is supposed to be about being single. UGH... even the word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. To be fair, it isn't all bad- I quite often listen to some stories by my coupled friends, who for the sake of me keeping those friendships shall remain nameless, that make me happy that I don't have to go through some of the woes of being connected to a better... or worse... halve.

In any case, to be completely open minded and frankly to get my new body out on the market as quickly as possible before I decide to let myself go again, I am trying online dating. Hmm... I know what you are thinking.... online dating?? Aren't there a bunch of creepies on there??? Yes. There are. I have spoken with a few of them, blocked some others, and took out restraining orders on the rest. Kidding.... sort of. But for your information, there are creepies everywhere. Can I get an AMEN from my small population of still single friends out there???? Anybody? Yes? No?... ok anyhow, there are because I have also met them. So why not rip the band aid off quickly and meet them all at once?

So I have been on a few dates, they were less then stellar to say the least. I have a tendency to nickname my potential mates, and so far Craigslist, Bruce and Bear Grils have all been big fat let downs. Something about being able to club a rabbit really never appealed to me. I am currently speaking with a few people right now, which could backfire since I usually can't remember what I said to someone 5 minutes ago let alone to several people over a span of a couple days. Thank goodness this website provides some sort of history of communication to remind me what foolishness I have said to these poor strangers.

On deck Lassie, Gobble Gobble, The winker, and Snowpocalypse. I believe the word may have gotten out that I am trying to have a social life beyond my social circle and some coworkers of mine have eluded to possible dates for me. Just yesterday our HR manager asked me out of her side eye.... "so whats your type?" (as to say is quietly some how made it less desperate for me) I responded with, "men." She giggled even though I was serious and said that there was a man in her neighborhood that jogs by her w/ his dog all the time and she thought he was very handsome. I responded with a dead stare and she then said "I'll take care of it." I am not sure what that means but if this is the criteria for setting me up, I'm screwed. Does she know this man??? Nope. Just thought he looked handsome. Serial killer? Could be- but definitely handsome. At least he has that going for him.

Lord. Buckle up and stay tuned!

I always knew Pikachu looked a little heavy set....

For some of you, this name is synonymous with the little yellow pokemon cartoon character from the late 90's?? Maybe 2000's but I have no idea because I didn't watch it. However Pikachu for me, is actually the name a woman in my WW meeting continues to write on her name tag. Yes, I said woman.... probably in her 40's or 50's. Anyhow, I wouldn't have anything to say about Pikachu if she wouldn't stop interrupting the meeting to mention that she is a giant alcoholic. Now... some of you may be going "aww.... that's sad." Stop it. Pikachu wants you to know that no one poured liquor down her throat and it was a choice and so is eating bad food. (Tell that to the women who sleep eat in the middle of the night only to wake up find that downed a who cake out of their fridge and didn't even get to enjoy it!) I digress....

So at first I found Pikachu endearing, she mention her drinking problem once or twice but said she was in AA and it was under control. Good for you! Drinking.. check..... weight control... check.... you are on a roll sister! However, it wasn't until this last outburst that it has occurred to me that she may or may not be drunk during our meetings. Please for a moment try to imagine the wicked witch of the west. No, I am not insulting her looks, I want you to think of her voice, slightly crackly and the tone and volume sort of go up and down at weird times. Anyhow, this is Pikachu's voice, only much sllllooooowwweeerrrrr. She is always rather disheveled looking, and sometimes wanders around the meeting before it starts talking to herself.

Has she fallen off the wagon??? I mean I know weight gain is tricky and frankly sometimes food is addictive, but have we really gotten to the point where we are likening our food cravings to binge drinking??? I wasn't ready to go there, but I like your style Pikachu. If you could get your random outbursts in check we might be on the same page. And well lets be honest, if I didn't have you to come in a return food you have purchased simply because you didn't like the taste, or try to offer me some after you have already opened it, hell I'm not sure who I would look forward to seeing every meeting.

So thank you Pikachu, on or off the wagon, you are just the right amount of bat shit crazy I need on a Saturday morning.

A Winter Without Fat

So not that I am complaining because obviously I am feeling great these days, but it has occurred to me that I as we say goodbye to these blissful warm summer days and roll into fall that the weather is starting to get a bit chilly.

Now I should be clear and say that my favorite season is fall. At least.... it has been. The changing of the season is one I have always looked forward to. However, recently I have realized that this season will be different than several seasons past..... I don't have my fat.

Why is this a problem you ask??? Well for one, my fat kept me warm. While all you skinny minnie's were strutting around in your stylish coats and fashionable scarves, I was waltzing around in my big ass north face fleece, getting rather warm underneath because I was a human incubator.

So not only has my condo not turned on the water heaters yet so I am walking around in my own house with six sweaters on a four pairs of pants..... its not even technically winter yet!!! If this is what I have to look forward to in the upcoming months in my now completely ridiculous looking over sized north face fleece that lets all the cold air up the bottom because I have no fat to keep it out and I am to cheap to continue buying "transition" clothes, I am going to be miserable!!

Therefore I am going to say the thing you aren't suppose to say when you are loosing weight. I miss my fat. Its official. You can say "Sara quit your complaining!" and I will say "BRRRRRR I can't talk because I am a human popsicle!"

Is it time for Popeye's yet?

Taco Hell

Helllooooo everyone- It has been awhile because Audrey and I have been working our tushies off and haven't had a chance to blog. I mean it, literally... tushies = gone.

Well sort of. They are still there but look much smaller than their original size. I digress, anyhow Audrey and I had a great weigh in so we thought it would be a great idea to ruin it by eating whatever we felt like. Okay so maybe that wasn't our original motive, in fact we started off fine, but somewhere down the line things went awry.

After making some mistakes at Ruby Tuesday's for lunch we decided that we wanted Taco Bell for dinner. Now I haven't had Taco Bell in like a year or longer, the same goes for Audrey- so this pretty much had regret written all over it.

Reaching that counter was like reaching the finish line of a marathon. Now... to order. It was like riding a bicycle, I tossed out my selection like I had been ordering taco bell my whole life. Maybe because I had been, but whatever. To get the full picture of our experience, you must stop reading this blog and sit in silence for 15 minutes. This 15 minutes represents the silence that took place once we started eating.

I had nothing to say to Audrey, I was too busy shoving my face full of beefy glory. (I know what that sounded like, and I just don't care) I did pause once to look up at Audrey who then asked me how I was doing because I began to sweat and was breathing heavy. Upon realizing this I began to laugh uncontrollably and just repeat, "I am definitely going to vomit." To which Audrey replied, "Can I unbutton my pants?" Me: "Can people see your buttons?" Audrey: "No." Me: "Then go for it." It continued to go downhill from there. Audrey?

Audrey here. I'm in a blackout food coma right now and Sara is forcing me to blog. Seriously, I know we went to Taco Bell and I know I enjoyed it but seriously, right now the the beefy, beany, cheesy Taco Belly goodness has me all kinds of messed up.

To continue Sara's story. I look across the table and Sara looks like she might be ill but at the same time continues to soldier on and finish her meal. At this point I have demolished the smorgasbord of the food I ordered. I'm pretty sure I also blacked out and inhaled my food while we were there because I felt like there was a tray of food and then I came too and there I was dragging my finger across the Nacho Supreme tray licking off the last bit of nacho cheese with a trayful of used napkins and taco wrappers. All the while Sara is scraping the last bit of cheese out of her container with a spork. Don't judge us bitches.

Because this was a Chicken Bell, at some point Sara and I decided to take a second out of our low moment at Taco Bell to discuss the pros and cons of Popeyes and KFC and which was better. I believe the line from Sara was "I don't want to be friends with anyone who likes KFC." Me: "Really? Because I like KFC's sides better." Seriously, we will always be fat kids.

So at this point Sara is now looking a little green and using the rest of her napkins to wipe the sweat off her forehead and looks down at her tray and says "I need this to be gone." At which point Sara then promptly gets up, throws away her trash and walks out. By the time I reach the car, Sara is in the car with the door half open and with the air conditioning on full blast. I on other hand am seriously challenged getting to the car and nearly eat shit to which Sara yells at me "Stop making me laugh I am not out of the vomit zone yet!"

I'm seriously concerned that Sara is about to vom on her steering wheel to which I tell her: "If vomit comes spewing out of your mouth right now I am going to be soo disgusted." All I can think of is all of this is so ridiculous that it needs to be documented in photos. To which I ask Sara as she is now sitting half passed out with her pants unbuttoned in the car "Can I take a picture of you right now?" And thus I did. Check out below. You can see the aftermath of our Taco Bell Barf-Fest (and yes that is what I named this meal in my WW tracker.)



This is Sara looking particularly ready to hurl.


Let's face it this picture needs no caption.


And yes. My pants are unbuttoned.

The Accidental Jog

So I will make this one short and sweet. If you don't want to die, don't jog in really hot weather.

I don't ever follow my own rules, so here is how this one goes:

I was trying to figure out a way to make my puppy tired because she always looks at me like this:




And I wanted her
to look like this:








In any case, that lead me outside on Saturday at 2pm right around the time you would consider frying an egg on your own car. So we started walking through the trails (I had geared up in workout clothes only to avoid getting my regular clothes sweaty) and in no time I realized Olive was not anywhere close to tired.

And then something happened.... I started jogging. It wasn't on purpose but simply in an effort to tire my pup out quickly. And then I was jogging some more and before I knew it I was in a full blown work out. What was I thinking?!?! It was a gagillion degrees outside?!?! I wanted to punch myself but had zero energy to do so. By the time I started back home I was at the point of dehydration and considered licking a puddle.

When my tingly body finally got back to my house I was looking rough. I happened to notice my face was a separate shade of red then the rest of my body and I felt like I could spontaneously combust. As you can see here, I was at the very least trying to remain positive:









What ended up happening was delirium set in.... I cannot recall much after this last photo, but I am pretty sure it involved me running around my house with no clothes on and taking the longest straight cold shower I had ever had:












So! Lesson learned.... it would have been easier to sniff a Sharpie a few times to reach that type of bodily malfunction.