The Accidental Jog

So I will make this one short and sweet. If you don't want to die, don't jog in really hot weather.

I don't ever follow my own rules, so here is how this one goes:

I was trying to figure out a way to make my puppy tired because she always looks at me like this:




And I wanted her
to look like this:








In any case, that lead me outside on Saturday at 2pm right around the time you would consider frying an egg on your own car. So we started walking through the trails (I had geared up in workout clothes only to avoid getting my regular clothes sweaty) and in no time I realized Olive was not anywhere close to tired.

And then something happened.... I started jogging. It wasn't on purpose but simply in an effort to tire my pup out quickly. And then I was jogging some more and before I knew it I was in a full blown work out. What was I thinking?!?! It was a gagillion degrees outside?!?! I wanted to punch myself but had zero energy to do so. By the time I started back home I was at the point of dehydration and considered licking a puddle.

When my tingly body finally got back to my house I was looking rough. I happened to notice my face was a separate shade of red then the rest of my body and I felt like I could spontaneously combust. As you can see here, I was at the very least trying to remain positive:









What ended up happening was delirium set in.... I cannot recall much after this last photo, but I am pretty sure it involved me running around my house with no clothes on and taking the longest straight cold shower I had ever had:












So! Lesson learned.... it would have been easier to sniff a Sharpie a few times to reach that type of bodily malfunction.

Hot as Balls Yoga

I mean hot bikram yoga. Ok so thanks to living social I let my friend Meghan convince me to join her for the deal of a lifetime! 5 classes of hot bikram yoga for $25 smackers.

Now for those of you that may not be familiar with this form of yoga, it is basically regular yoga in a room that is 105 degrees...... for 90 minutes. I'm not gonna lie, I failed to read that last part, so it was to my delight in an already hot room to find out I would be in there for over an hour. Yeesh.

So I went out with some friends the night before and like a good girl, I avoided drinking. The truth was I was so paranoid I would keel over and die, so I wanted to make sure I didn't reak of booze when it happened. Coincidentally I had an asthma attack that very evening for the first time in perhaps a decade after battling it out on the dance floor with 3 guys who were egging me on. Due to my state of sober, I participated to keep myself amused only to immediately regret all the showing off I did approximately 5 minutes after it ended (this was after I had to convince the main character to put me down in his attempt to out do me by picking me up off the ground.... if we have met, you know that is a huge no no for me).

In any case, I now had this lingering feeling that my asthma attack was Jesus's way of telling me to stay out of that hot room. I should listen to Him right? As I have done too many times before, I clearly did not take Jesus's sign to stay away and I participated anyhow. Ugh.

So Meghan and I get in the room, and at first, not so bad... very smelly, but not bad. I will say though after about 10 minutes I was left wondering why we went in so soon, clearly we had another 10 minutes before it got started. Then we begin. I can say that the very first thing I did which was put my arms over my head, I began to get dizzy and started seeing spots. WTF?!?! How the hell was I gonna make it through 90 minutes if I can't put my arms over my head after 10! Good gracious, fortunately I bounced back and Meghan and I trucked along slowly. We certainly weren't any yoga masters and had to take pauses here and there, but us out of shape ladies managed to NOT exit the room and stick it out for the entire session. Amazeballs. Truthfully, I would have felt just as bad had I done no yoga at all and just sat there in that crazy room.

I have never sweat that much in my life. My shins sweat, my toes and my forearms. Yeah.... all places you wouldn't think that would happen. I was one slippery beast after it was done. We took our red sweaty asses out to the lobby to chill and I pulled out a snack. Meghan promptly looked at me and asked if we could head to the car. Fine by me! I'm ready to get in the..... hooooaaahhhhh.....Meghan projectile vomits on the sidewalk. Oh shizzzz! Here it comes again... hoooaaahhhh.... in the grass.

She looks back at me and hands me her things as she begins to stumble to the car. "Well I hope... hooooaaaahhhhh..... this doesn't deter you from ..... hoooaaaahhhh.... doing this with me again."

No Meghan. It doesn't. :)

Plyo...medic!

I am currently typing this blog while trying to stay as still as humanly possible. Any slight move to the left or right is not an option. Not. An. Option.

How did I get this way you ask? One word. Plyometrics.

So I have been working out with my sister every Monday, I conveniently chose to do the easiest work outs on her set of p90x dvds because I'm a wimp. And frankly, no real person should look like that instructor.... no one.

So we normally work out our arms, abs or core which sounds like a lot but at this point several weeks in it has become bearable. So all during this process we have been discussing the plyometrics dvd that apparently no one wants to do with her since it is like Chuck Norris on crack. Lots of jumping, kicking, leaping... you name it. I however, like a total stupid idiot went a little crazy this past weekend due to a birthday party and felt the need to punish myself. I shot off the the text that would change my week forever "I think I'll join you for Plyo this week!" Duh dah duhhhhh.

She pounced on me in no time, "Awwww Sheeyat dude, you in for trouble then." I mean this is my sister, we grew up together (thank you captain obvious) this couldn't be any worse than the time when we were kids and she ran to the recliner when I was chasing her and plopped down, threw her legs in the air as I was still running towards her, and kicked me right in the kisser.



Wrong.


So I went over there and we got started. The warm up finished and frankly I felt like I was finished too. But I continued. I am not sure at this point whether or not it was my need to keep up with my sister that provoked me to finish or that I actually was doing good, so I kept going. Maybe both, but either way I would regret it for the rest of the week. At one point I was kicking in the air and nearly fell over on to my sister and repaid her the favor from 2 decades earlier. After I "leaped" over the river several times and sweat went directly in to my mouth and eye ball, I was over it. For the record, neither of those things feels or tastes good.

I opted not to lay still for to long for fear of not being able to get up and I can honestly say that after two days... the moral of this story is:
Call your sister and ask her to just kick you in the face. You would feel better by now.

Attack of the 40 year old man.

Ok folks its been a tough one, so I have to write cautiously as to not to let my bitterness of not losing any weight in the last month spill over into my blog. Is it working?

As I continue to jog regularly, with or without my lazy dog Olive (motivated only to run into Luigi again, see previous blog) I had a fun little encounter as I paused to put my hair up. All of the sudden I hear honking, and I look up and see two grown men sitting in a car they should have bought 20 years ago.

Exhibit A:


Let me please set the tone: I jog in Sligo Creek Park, which for those who are unfamiliar is a quiet path that runs through my neighborhood. Any time there is street close enough to the path, you certainly would not need a horn to get someones attention because it is quieter than that section in the library where you aren't even allowed to breath.

So to my confusion I look up startled, as clearly being short of breath had deprived oxygen to my brain at this point. They looked at me and began whistling and shouting. Yes. Whistling and shouting. Did I mention it was 10am on a Sunday? We are not in Ocean City, where are your manors?! So I dissolved the situation the only way I knew now. I quickly looked down at my dog and pointed at her, then with my best Oscar worthy performance I looked at her in shock and then back to the gentlemen in the tiny car, "Her?! I know she is quite the sexy beast isn't she!" My dog looked at me panting as usual with a face that can only be described as "are we done yet?", the men however were not amused at my antics and drove off at a speed which caused them to sound like their car was going to topple over the bridge as they took off.

Lesson learned? Maybe in ten more pounds I will get someone 10 years younger. This isn't my first encounter with the 40 year old man. It is a species that is still foreign to me, and while I would like to consider one for sugar daddy purposes, I don't think that realistically I can maintain that sort of lifestyle (I'm pretty sure trophy wives don't get away with wearing their chuck taylor's on a regular basis). I do realize that eventually I will have to stop using the term "you are old enough to be my father" since that would be really gross at the age of ten, and start excepting the silver foxes of the world.


But not yet.

So now we give bravo stickers for gaining weight?!

Its official. I have hit a wall. I knew at some point in this journey I was going to get angry at this system and I would boil over to the point of attempting to cut someone. That day is today. I had a feeling going into today's weigh in that I wasn't going to loose anything. But thats something we say to ourselves so that when we do loose weight we can be really excited. Except for when we don't loose anything. Ugh. I would like to point out that I am a very angry, hungry person who also recently quit a bad habit not related to food, so all in all am ready to kick a baby.

So with that said having today's meeting be about adding exercise to your week made me even more heated. Add exercise??? Add exercise??? When?!?!?!?! I am working out almost every day you bastards!!! Ok sorry... I digress. At one point in the meeting we all talk about scale or non-scale victories and the leader acknowledges them with stupid stickers. (I will say when I am in a better mood I am happy to accept these stickers).

So a girl raises her hand and give this long speech about how she had a cake decorator as a friend and had a cookout, blah blah blah, then "so I am proud cause I only gained .4 pounds!" Then everyone proceeds to clap. You can tell I have past the point of no return when "so we are giving bravo stickers for gaining weight now?" comes out of my mouth. I meant this isn't Weight Gainers lady. Harsh?? Sure. But you try doing zero exercise and eat negative one healthy foods and completely turn that around and be in a good mood when you loose zero. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so to get out some of this aggression I decided to go for a a jog with my dog. Something happened!!! A very cute italian man jogged by me (shirtless of course) who I have seen before. We will call the shirtless runner Luigi, since I have no clue what his name actually is. I awkwardly oogle him since he put it out there and then, Luigi looks at me a smiles while jogging the other direction "hey i've seen you before." I laugh like a doof, "Yeah".... thats all that came out of my mouth. Since I took his statement to actually mean "I'd like to make out with you" I suppose I found it hard to reply.

Its amazing what a very attractive shirtless man will do for the soul. In fact where the hell is that book?!?! Screw chicken soup.

Boogie Down the Pounds!

So in an effort to keep us motivated I decided that for a rainy day at Audrey's house I would pick up some workout dvd's since walking wasn't really an option. I had every intention of getting serious workout dvd's until I stumbled across this gem... Richard Simmon's Boogie Down the Pounds. The disco workout dvd. Jamming to 70's top musical hits. What. A. Find.

So I kept it a secret from Audrey since I wanted her to still be friends with me. Well I shouldn't have been so surprised to see how excited she was to participate... I mean, its Audrey. Duh.

So we start the dvd and at first we are slightly confused, Richard stumbles across his friends on the street who just happened to be standing outside of this building, that they all happen to walk inside of that is pitch black, then the lights start to fade on and you see disco balls and then poof!!!! We are working out.

Thats right... his friends didn't change clothes. Poof! working out. I'm talking full make up, some earrings, jeans or dress pants working out. How does one work out in such attire? We quickly realized that we were either really really in our element, or so far out of it we can't even see the element. On one hand this gave us both motivation that this workout will be easy. On the other hand, we just jazzed hands towards the tv and Richard told us how proud and happy he was we were there, so it could be a little bit of both.

There isn't enough blog available to describe this workout. Thats all I can really say. I have a feeling Audrey would like to say a few words since she had such a fun time 'diva-ing' this dvd out. Audrey?

O.M.G. Richard Simmons nearly killed me. When Sara revealed what her mysterious purchase was I was immediately excited. I thought "how can this NOT be fun?!"

How wrong I was! I had no idea doing Richard's "showgirl" move or his disco dance would so throughly kick my ass. By the middle of the DVD (that's right it was DVD not a VHS!) all I could think was "Fuck you and your little shorts Richard Simmons." (vulgar language is completely appropriate for this occasion).

If I been doing this by myself I would have quit during the boogie down the pounds version of Barry Manilow's Mandy but Sara made me finish it. Needless to say there was quite a bit of flailing happening on my part so I may have done more damage and good through my Richard Simmons work out as my back really hurt like a mother...

Despite all this, there is a good chance Boogie Down the Pounds will happen again. Let's face it I'm a glutton for punishment... (and also our next post will be about our venture to a "Latin Heat" class that made Richard's work out look PRE-TTY good in comparison....)

Genes and Collard Greens

Well hello everyone!

Audrey and I have been off losing so much weight we didn't have time to blog :) Okay thats not the truth, but we have been loosing weight! Rather than jinx our amazeballs progress, we will keep those numbers a secret for now... Unless of course you've been within earshot of me as I have been broadcasting my numbers the minute I step off the scale.(Sorry to those who have been subject to my constant announcement, I am clearly just in shock).

So I pondered whether or not I should try and catch you up on all the things that have happened since poor Audrey's pumpkin bread mishap. Instead I would rather just tell you about our most recent meeting. The meeting when things got real....

Yes, Audrey and I were aware that at some point during our chubby people AA meetings that someone, somewhere would stop making jokes about their need to eat poorly and in fact turn into debbie downers. Well.... it happened. I have to say I felt quite badly for the older woman who began to talk about her dislike of herself. But then.... like a ray of light someone interrupted.

"I just tell people that I get my bottom from genes and collard greens." Thank you. Thank you slightly insensitive woman with a big mouth. You have pulled me out of the suction of sadness and reminded me that I need to work on some sort of rhyme for myself. Although, genes and Popeyes just doesn't have the same ring to it.