Still Burping Up Last Nights Dinner.

Gross right? What does this have to do with dating? Nothing. Well sort of, follow me if you will....

I have been dating now for a bit which means over the course of several months I've exchanged phone numbers, emails and high fives with several gentlemen  guys in the DMV. Some have been a few dates and it didn't work out, others just didn't work out. Either way, the key term to take away from these statements is.... didn't work out.

Now with that in mind I return to my blog title. Food is delicious, but have you ever had that lasting indigestion, where you burp hours later (maybe even a day because you are dysfunctional) and you can taste your previous meal?? Its not a good taste, because you were finished with your meal and well frankly, nothing tastes that good the second time around especially not in gaseous form. Well recently I have been contacted by some old dates..... you see where I'm going with this?

Look I hate to sound mean, but yes I am comparing being contacted by and old date that I didn't like to a smelly old burp. You know when it happens you were slightly reminded of the delicious meal you had, then the bad taste creeps in your mouth and your face turns sour....

Yep, that's about right. So the first was a very sweet gentleman who took me to a very nice restaurant (perhaps a little too classy for this gal) but I just wasn't feeling it. Unlike others, I had the common courtesy to tell him that, even though it was painfully awkward and one sided apparently... me being the side. Months later he emails me in a friendly tone, so I wrote back, like the dip shit I am. He quickly turned it back towards romantic and I bolted. Ugh... how do I not see these things coming??

The next couple were just plain silly. One I didn't even make it out on a date with because he sounded so creepy via text, that I politely cancelled. He then decided to try for round 2 recently...burnt. Nope. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. Dude, you tried to get me to meet you at a hotel?! When I told you to fall off a cliff, what in the world made you think this was going to go in a different direction? Clearly I didn't respond... I wised up this time around, it only took my potential kidnapping to do so. The last one well, I can't say too much about, but we had zero in common, and yet somehow he still wants to get together. Gee, I wonder what for? Hmm lets see, we have nothing to talk about sooooo, yeah. Get real.

Come on guys! Lets get realistic here, you options aren't so bleak that you are turning yourself into a man whore or a stalker are they?!  BUrrrrp......

Pinocchio ain't got nothin on me.

I told my first lie to myself in a long time......

Yesterday I went home and I got this adorable amount of attention from my puppy then she sort of fell asleep and looked back at me like this:

And then it happened. I said to myself... "Who needs a significant other when you have love like this to come home to??"

I do. And so do you. This is the wrong thing to say and the first step in becoming a cat lady. Stay away from cute puppies or kitty cats when you are feeling weak!!! They convince you that this obnoxious dating to find a significant other isn't important! But IT IS.

Unless you are one of those weirdos that should be in jail for lovin on your animals the way a human being shouldn't.... stop telling this lie to yourself. Don't worry, I immediately slapped myself in the face after saying that and did some P90x. It won't happen again.

The Heightened Truth About Dating

Well hello again.... fancy meeting you here.... do you realize I'm only an inch taller than you?

Ok, so it doesn't start like that... let me back up. If I knew all along that going into this dating game that my height was going to be the issue, well hell, I wouldn't have bothered with Weight Watchers! I certainly can't shrink myself.

This is a small rant about dating.... hello welcome to our blog, have we met? Continuing... Not only do you have to worry that once you are in your late 20's men that want to date you are already in their 40's. Yep. yeah late 40's bitches. The men that are your age are looking for 20 year olds! Not 20 something year olds, 20 year olds. Then once you make it to someone who doesn't fall into that category you have to wonder if you are the right body type. Now see this one is the one I thought would be the most difficult to handle having just slimmed down (trust me it hasn't been a day at the parade). Did you say you wanted athletic and toned or did you mean skin and bones??? I prefer to pick 'about average' in this category, as to set zero standards for what I'm going to look like. I mean really, what is more descriptive than the word 'average'?

So if you manage to steer clear of all these issues, then you may or may not run into the whammy that has thrown me for a loop. Your height. Whats that?? Your 5'5"?? Perfect. 5'8"?? Wonderful I'm sure!! 5'11"??? Whoa whoa wait a minute. Hold it right there. Do you know how tall you are? This is the stage of the game that works like a carnival in reverse. Remember all that time you waited to be 'this tall to ride this ride'?? Now you should be glad you are standing under that thin line... Who would have thought that height would be the issue? Certainly not I.

Well rude awakening number 47. It does! In the last two conversations I've had with people online I got "Do you care that we are the exact same height?" (Well no but obviously you do....) and then the more recent.... "I'm only two inches taller than you, is that a problem?" Ahem... lets be clear.... problems: Third eyeball, lives with mom, hairy butt, smokes crack, small stint in a prostitution ring... ALL PROBLEMS. You wanna know what isn't on that list?? I think you get the point.

Me and my future husband.

It's not unusual....

Okay- so it's been a minute since we have posted on this blog and that is for many reasons none of which are exciting enough to discuss. Instead lets do a little recapping for things that you may have missed during this gap.

First off, I recently told you a story about me getting sloppy and perhaps the victim of a little person molestation. The truth is, I re-read that story several times and decided to take a step back from this blog. I couldn't tell if it was hilarious or just plain sad. Haha. Okay maybe a little of both. To your delight and to my horror, nothing has changed much since then.

I went to NYC with friends a month ago. Much like Vegas, I usually choose to keep what happens there a secret since I and others usually act a fool and then we piece our previous night together collectively the next morning. This trip was right in line with that outline. I managed to pick up a straight man at a gay bar, a "doctor" none the less. I use the term "doctor" loosely since I did not see his medical license and frankly because it was brought up so many times during the evening that I can't remember much else about him. Like for example... his name.... anyhow, he danced like a bad version of Carlton from Fresh CARL!!! That was his name, CARL!!! Sorry- like a bad version of Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. We obviously decided to call him that for the remainder of the evening. He really wore out his welcome when he tried to stand between me and Ramon during our rendition of Beyonce's 'Love on Top'. Since he didn't really get the hint that I wouldn't be leaving with him, I had to spell it out slowly.... Dear Carlton, I will only be leaving this club with the 7 men I showed up here with.... none of which want to see me with my clothes off. Sincerely, Getting Smothered.

I haven't gone on many online dates recently, and since the last set of text messages I got from one guy which ranged anywhere from wanting to get snowed in with me, taking care of me while I was sick, and attempting to get me to meet him at a hotel all before we even met, I have canceled my subscription to creeperdate.com and have decided to give the dating thing a little break. Or at least leave it up to fate and see where that lands me. (Which I am well aware landed me no where before but shut your face I am in the middle of trying to be optimistic).

Of course I can't share EVERYTHING, so I won't :) I have no clue whats on the horizon, but I am already planning my big vaca for this birthday year and its gonna be a good one! Stay tuned...

You mess with the bull.... you'll get the horns.

Sooooo we meet again. I would like to first point out that since this is still a blog about weight loss journeys, I have hit my goal! Yes this could be considered private information, but as Audrey stated in a previous blog, we are going to be proud when we hit our goals and want the world to celebrate it. Or at least get some damn fireworks from a small crowd during a WW meeting. So without stating my current weight I will just say that I have lost 34 pounds and couldn't be happier. I worked my ass off for that, so you are lucky I didn't also buy a small billboard over 495 with bright lights and kittens. (I'm not sure why I said kittens, but they are cute a draw attention so I suppose they could still serve a purpose)

I digress, since I can't get enough of these amazing dates I have been on, I agreed to go on a couple more. If you haven't noticed, I only write about the ones that one day won't get me in trouble in case I meet someone I really like, so I am only going to talk about one man, and one man only during this blog. Bull horns.

Bull horns has by far been my most ridiculous yet most comically satisfying date thus far. For those who know I was going on this date, this would be the nerdy scientist (for the record, that is how he described himself.... which wasn't a lie, he was a borderline genius...I should have known then). I'll begin: So I agreed to meet bull horns at an Asian fusion restaurant downtown at around 7pm. I first walk in to the lobby and see an attractive man waiting and looking vaguely like the photos for bull horns..... but apparently not him. Damn. Then, the door opens and he arrives..... wowzers.

OK that's not really him, but Bull horns, your photos are a little misleading.... I'm just saying. It may make me an asshole, but it wouldn't be the first time someone called me that. Anyhow, I reach out to shake his hand and say hello.... he awkwardly reaches back and some how misses my grip and we end up grasping on to each others thumbs in a weird interaction I'd like to forget. It felt like my hand just got to second base with his and didn't like it, so I quickly turned to the host to follow him to our seat. Let the games begin...

So we sat down and grabbed the menu and began to ponder our dinner choice in what I can only describe as the longest 10 minutes of my life. Dead silence. I thought, hmmm I might have to carry this convo so I better think of a good start. But I've got nothing.... ok wait, it was just NYE- ask him about that. "How was your NYE?" and then it happened. You may have been wondering why his nickname is what it is... He proceeds to lift up his hands and threw out the heavy metal bull horn hand gesture and say "kick ass." Not a big deal right???? Well multiply that hand gesture and that response by about 16, and that would be about how many times this happened during dinner which only encouraged me to stop saying things that were so "kick ass."

After a single hour of one sided conversation and a slip in a story where Bull horns actually referred to me as 'hot chick' to my face, I was about done. The fumes from his hair gel were starting to get to me, and the fact that his teeth were so pointy I was beginning to think there was some truth to this vampire stuff everyone is so addicted to. At the end of this date I thought man I am being rather harsh... Bull horns might just be nervous, and even though I know this isn't going anywhere, I should give him a break. I will remind you that although these thoughts are going through my head, and am on nothing but my best behavior except for a small giggle I let slip after bull horn gesture #12.

So we are exiting the restaurant and I give him a hug goodbye. "It was really nice to meet you," I said. "It was really nice to meet you too Sara," Bull horns replied. Only I wish that was all he had done, instead that reply was coupled with a long and obvious glare from my face all the way to my toes, and then back up to my face.... then maybe back down again to my thighs and oh wait there are my eyes! Gross.... you almost had me Bull horns.... you almost had me.

What to you get when you mix....

A baby, a Yale graduate and an ex-marine dog trainer together? My most recent dating history. Well not all of it but at least the ones I am willing to share for now.

If you are catching up from my previous blog about my dating endeavours you will notice that I have some updates and fresh nicknames. First, gobble gobble is history we only spoke briefly but as I mentioned to a friend, sometimes I get carried away and don't even know what I am saying anymore so when I asked if he caught any of his family members on fire while frying their Thanksgiving turkey, he passed on further conversation. I don't blame him.

Winter sports (formerly known as Lassie) is also gone. This one is more of a sad case. I actually liked winter sports, he was extremely handsome, seemed to have his life together and was nice to talk to. However, somewhere between not answering all my questions and when I tried to look up his facebook and found it photoless, I convinced myself he was married with children and didn't want to get chopped up into little pieces so I abruptly stopped talking. Yep just never answered again.... I know, this is probably how people get complexes.

Yale (formerly snowmaggedon) and I actually made it out for drinks. I was a little worried about this one as I know where my smarts start and finish, and they never finished at Yale University as his did. So after being convinced by several friends to just go with it, I did... and well, it went something like this. Yale shows up a little late in a 3 piece suit and a fabric tie. Its Friday did I mention? I tried to make light of the idea that casual Fridays were a regular practice in my office hence my attire, but then realized I wasn't the one out of place at The Big Hunt, so I let it go. When he got around to asking me what I did after he mentioned his extensive background in education, I spoke about the non profit I work for. And then he pulled out a chart that looked like this:









Kidding. But he might as well, because he started quizzing me on percentages in the red and blue states because it was "acceptable since we live in DC." Is it? It doesn't matter, I didn't have the answers to most, so I made up a lot of stuff. If they gave A's in bullshitting, I would have been on the Dean's list. Needless to say after a rousing conversation about teen pregnancy, I told him to just go to my home town of P.G. county to get real facts and then we could be done with this conversation.... ok kidding again but that is what I was thinking. Anyways, I think my eyes began to cross as he was talking because his fabric tie started to look like it was becoming 3-D and jumping out at me. Time to go.

So Yale is gone. I ended up going out with China as well- I hadn't mentioned him because he popped up out of no where and we actually went on a couple dates. Then after admitting that I had lost some weight on an earlier date, this jabroni actually tells me some story of his neighbors childhood as a fat kid and I nearly punched him in the eyeball. Are you dense? Never.... never make fun of a fat person to a former chub. There were many other things that went wrong after the second outing, but I think you get the point.

I felt a renewal of energy this week and began conversations with a few new people. But all of the sudden this baby used the IM function and totally caught me off guard. After asking me if I thought age mattered, I said sort of since he was 5 years my junior, but I suppose it was really about the maturity level. He asked if we could chat some and see where it went. I agreed but was immediately regretful once I looked at his profile.... I interrupted his typing..."Ahem, I'm really sorry, I know I said we could chat some but I just looked at your profile and not only am I 5 years older than you, but you live an hour away and you are 2 inches shorter than me. This doesn't have a shot in hell." And then I immediately logged off. Between you and me, as most women would say, it was the 2 inches that mattered the most.

So what have I learned so far? Nothing.

The United Nations

That's what my 'dating' life is looking like right about now. I am not sure if it is that I don't have a type, or that I am so indifferent that I talk to everyone. I can at least say that I may be getting closer to world peace. All I need now is a Native American and maybe a Jew.

It looks a little something like this:So part of this blog is supposed to be about being single. UGH... even the word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. To be fair, it isn't all bad- I quite often listen to some stories by my coupled friends, who for the sake of me keeping those friendships shall remain nameless, that make me happy that I don't have to go through some of the woes of being connected to a better... or worse... halve.

In any case, to be completely open minded and frankly to get my new body out on the market as quickly as possible before I decide to let myself go again, I am trying online dating. Hmm... I know what you are thinking.... online dating?? Aren't there a bunch of creepies on there??? Yes. There are. I have spoken with a few of them, blocked some others, and took out restraining orders on the rest. Kidding.... sort of. But for your information, there are creepies everywhere. Can I get an AMEN from my small population of still single friends out there???? Anybody? Yes? No?... ok anyhow, there are because I have also met them. So why not rip the band aid off quickly and meet them all at once?

So I have been on a few dates, they were less then stellar to say the least. I have a tendency to nickname my potential mates, and so far Craigslist, Bruce and Bear Grils have all been big fat let downs. Something about being able to club a rabbit really never appealed to me. I am currently speaking with a few people right now, which could backfire since I usually can't remember what I said to someone 5 minutes ago let alone to several people over a span of a couple days. Thank goodness this website provides some sort of history of communication to remind me what foolishness I have said to these poor strangers.

On deck Lassie, Gobble Gobble, The winker, and Snowpocalypse. I believe the word may have gotten out that I am trying to have a social life beyond my social circle and some coworkers of mine have eluded to possible dates for me. Just yesterday our HR manager asked me out of her side eye.... "so whats your type?" (as to say is quietly some how made it less desperate for me) I responded with, "men." She giggled even though I was serious and said that there was a man in her neighborhood that jogs by her w/ his dog all the time and she thought he was very handsome. I responded with a dead stare and she then said "I'll take care of it." I am not sure what that means but if this is the criteria for setting me up, I'm screwed. Does she know this man??? Nope. Just thought he looked handsome. Serial killer? Could be- but definitely handsome. At least he has that going for him.

Lord. Buckle up and stay tuned!