Sara's Dateline Rules.

Ok folks, it's been a bit, but not for lack of things going on. I am just too good for my own blog these days.... sorry blog, ear muffs.

I wanted to talk about something serious. Stop laughing, I'm serious! Its about getting kidnapped. I know....shit just got real. So basically in my endeavours along with my friends, there is dating activity. Along with dating strangers, comes dangers. And there is no more of a paranoid person then myself to have on your team, since I appointed myself super sleuth of my friendship circle. That is a prestigious honor by the way, don't mock it. I even have my own outfit, it looks something like this:


As self appointed super sleuth, it is my job to watch way to many shows on the ID channel related to murders, sociopaths, kidnapping and crime in general. You call them nightmares, I call them dreams.
I digress, the point is, as my ladies continue to peruse the dating scene I have over time developed rules that are a requirement to making sure your bones won't be made into wind chimes. I call them my Dateline rules, as in, the rules you need to follow so you don't end up on Dateline. Call me crazy, or whatever you want, but at least you will still be able to call me because you won't be dead. (Its a thankless job, but someones got to do it.).

Rule number 1:
Always attempt to pre-stalk your date online. You never know, his arrest record may pop up and save you a 911 phone call. If his facebook photo of him with his wife and children show up in your search you can thank me later. But don't be one of those that gets all cray cray memorizing your date's college major, pet's name, and last twitter update....too much.

Rule number 2:
If they live in another state, you aren't going to meet them for a date. Ever. Not because you can't go there to meet them, but it's against Dateline rules. Do you really think that in the entire state of NY that he couldn't find a girl to go out with, and that you are his dream girl??? You are not. What you are is catfished, away from your friends and family and help. Wind chimes.

Rule number 3:
Tell a friend, or friends everything you know. Like what? Like your date's phone number, description of what they look like, first and last name, where you are going to meet and what time it is happening. Sound a little too much?? Well I'm not done. If you can forward a picture to me, you are really on your game. Whats that?? You don't know their last name?? Wind chimes.

This seems simple, but Dateline rules apply to lots of scenarios. For example, buying things on Craigslist and meeting people to pick them up, etc. I must warn you, however, even Dateline rules can go wrong. Just recently my good friend Audrey went to do this very activity. She followed all the rules and sent me every last bit of information she could. And then..... the unthinkable. Her phone died. Now- I am not one to mess with, I created these damn rules, and I WILL call the cops. I gave her approx 30 min to contact me or else I would get all Liam Neeson on her ass and start tracking her myself. Luckily, she received my series of frantic messaging before I did anything drastic. Lesson learned- charge phone first.

Now these rules have hashtags, and side notes and even branches of more rules, but I hope you can figure them out. If you or one of your friends wishes to apply for super sleuth status, please submit your applications to me via email. There is a training process, you don't get this paranoid overnight.

Four score and 7 years ago...

It happened. I found someone who enjoys my insanity as much as I enjoy theirs..... I know wait for massive explosion or possible baby to fall from the sky and purple elephants to fly over your head. I realize that throughout this journey I have gone through many stages of a very unpredictable life. And we all know unpredictable for me means fun reading for you. But what happens when the dating stories stop?? Am I even still allowed to write on this blog?

Ummmm seriously? Shame on you.  That's your answer.

To be clear the dating stories don't stop they are just consistently with one asshole who is willing to put up with my nonsense, and is well aware he may end up in said blog. So if anything it just provides me with more ammo and my snarkiness.... well, that is permanent :) To show the same compassion as I did for all the other blokes that ended up on this blog, I will kindly refer to this one as 'It took you long enough'. Kidding. He will go by the name shellfish. We'll get there...

Brief background: Shellfish and I have been friends for quite some time and although we had a brief time apart, oh say 7 years, you can't shake a solid friendship. Sadly, we are both boring enough that we were able to pick up right where we left off and that is the end of that snoozefest story. Anyhow, it's hard to date someone without actually getting to go out on dates. Oops, I almost forgot, Shellfish lives in Kansas. I know... I said the same thing, but he has slowly been winning me over with stories of food. (Obviously he started reading the beginning of this blog and the jig is up) Anywhoooo he came for a visit this month and we decided to make up for lost time. There were way to many ridiculous outings to share from just this one weekend, but I'll stick to the one that got him his name.

So why shellfish? Well I recently learned that my loverboy has an allergy to shrimp. A bad one. Which I can only assume means other shellfish, so the first thing on our agenda while he was here was to go eat some good old Maryland crabs :) After arriving in Annapolis, we went to Cantlers for some yummy all you can eat. Midway through stuffing out faces, I looked up and asked him, "Did you bring your epipen?"..... Response: "I was just thinking that,..... nope." Well what do you know?! This meal just got a little interesting. After indicating to me that his tongue was a little itchy, I felt the need to check on him every 10 minutes to make sure his face wasn't swelling up like Will Smith in Hitch. While we made it through the meal without needing to stab him in the leg (not that we could have because that bozo left his pen at the house), the true highlight of this story is that he insisted on continuing, and did so for about 2-3 hours eating crabs with me with a shellfish allergy. I'd like to think it was because of the company, but lets be honest with ourselves.... who can beat Md crabs? Either I have found my food soul mate, who sacrifices all for a good meal, or I have fallen for a big stupid idiot who is completely reckless about his own health and wants to end up like this:

I'll let you be the judge :) 



Its All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Pat on the Butt.

So I realize I should space these out some, but who cares when you have this much ammo. So I'm not sure where I should begin, this is sort of a combo blog. As you know I am online dating, but have not stopped trying to meet people out and about like normal social people do. Neither has proved to be a success and for reasons I will share with you here. (This might seem lengthy but totally worth it)

First up. Rock and Roll Hotel. While I love this place I have managed to meet some real strange cookies in this bar. Just a couple weeks ago I was there and exchanged phone numbers with an attractive (problem #1.... I know, you'd think being attractive is not a problem, but it is when they know it.) young man, who I had little conversation with (problem #2). I don't care about giving out my number because well I can just ignore you later, it is an easy way to end conversation if you ask me. So anyhow, long story short, this euro pro basketball player (I know I scoffed to, no one cares about Italy's basketball team) ended up being a total pushy creeper that tried to get me to meet him at his house. Obviously I didn't want to get cut into pieces so I declined and he threw an adult temper tantrum complete with "Lose my number, have a nice day." Then two seconds later a phone call I didn't answer and a text.. "call me baby." I won't go into all the reasons this is crazy to me, but lets just say there won't be any save the dates going out.

Then just the other night I spent the night dancing with a total nerd/slightly douche gentleman, because I was bored, and even though I wasn't interested in him I thought he was harmless and relatively sweet. He did at one point puppeteer my arms whilst dancing alla John Travolta Saturday Night Fever... I know. Then the end of the night rolled around and he asked me to dance with him again before we all left. When we finished he said nice meeting you, grabbed my shoulders and flipped me in the opposite direction of him and then with a little shove off said, "on your way.." and then patted me on the ass. I wanted to be offended since I wasn't interested and how dare he pat me on the ass and turn me away!  But it was just to damn funny. In the moment though I thought of turning around and punching him in the face. That's right.... we PG girls don't slap, I would have just clocked you one in the eye for being that rude. Thank goodness I was so speechless that I walked out and took my aggression out on the bouncer by reenacting what I will now refer to as the butt patting incident of 2012.

So perhaps online dating isn't so bad? All of these regular weirdos at the bar are clearly just as ridiculous. Well then I got this email today from who I am sure is a lovely young gentleman. PS. this is totally real, I am simply copy and pasting:
"Hey how are you doing today? I have a question for you. How do you feel about me entertaining you by Me giving You a nice fun free strip show? And trust me its only entertainment, I don't want you thinking that I'm looking for sex."

Of course you aren't looking for sex, I always assume the best way to get to know someone in a non sexual manor is to get a strip tease. What else is that for? I mean, when is the last time that someone taking their clothes off to music slowly and sensually ended in sex? Mine always end in a hearty meal, usually some high fives followed by a game of rock paper scissors and some good old conversation. Thanks for the clarity buddy.

Still Burping Up Last Nights Dinner.

Gross right? What does this have to do with dating? Nothing. Well sort of, follow me if you will....

I have been dating now for a bit which means over the course of several months I've exchanged phone numbers, emails and high fives with several gentlemen  guys in the DMV. Some have been a few dates and it didn't work out, others just didn't work out. Either way, the key term to take away from these statements is.... didn't work out.

Now with that in mind I return to my blog title. Food is delicious, but have you ever had that lasting indigestion, where you burp hours later (maybe even a day because you are dysfunctional) and you can taste your previous meal?? Its not a good taste, because you were finished with your meal and well frankly, nothing tastes that good the second time around especially not in gaseous form. Well recently I have been contacted by some old dates..... you see where I'm going with this?

Look I hate to sound mean, but yes I am comparing being contacted by and old date that I didn't like to a smelly old burp. You know when it happens you were slightly reminded of the delicious meal you had, then the bad taste creeps in your mouth and your face turns sour....

Yep, that's about right. So the first was a very sweet gentleman who took me to a very nice restaurant (perhaps a little too classy for this gal) but I just wasn't feeling it. Unlike others, I had the common courtesy to tell him that, even though it was painfully awkward and one sided apparently... me being the side. Months later he emails me in a friendly tone, so I wrote back, like the dip shit I am. He quickly turned it back towards romantic and I bolted. Ugh... how do I not see these things coming??

The next couple were just plain silly. One I didn't even make it out on a date with because he sounded so creepy via text, that I politely cancelled. He then decided to try for round 2 recently...burnt. Nope. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. Dude, you tried to get me to meet you at a hotel?! When I told you to fall off a cliff, what in the world made you think this was going to go in a different direction? Clearly I didn't respond... I wised up this time around, it only took my potential kidnapping to do so. The last one well, I can't say too much about, but we had zero in common, and yet somehow he still wants to get together. Gee, I wonder what for? Hmm lets see, we have nothing to talk about sooooo, yeah. Get real.

Come on guys! Lets get realistic here, you options aren't so bleak that you are turning yourself into a man whore or a stalker are they?!  BUrrrrp......

Pinocchio ain't got nothin on me.

I told my first lie to myself in a long time......

Yesterday I went home and I got this adorable amount of attention from my puppy then she sort of fell asleep and looked back at me like this:

And then it happened. I said to myself... "Who needs a significant other when you have love like this to come home to??"

I do. And so do you. This is the wrong thing to say and the first step in becoming a cat lady. Stay away from cute puppies or kitty cats when you are feeling weak!!! They convince you that this obnoxious dating to find a significant other isn't important! But IT IS.

Unless you are one of those weirdos that should be in jail for lovin on your animals the way a human being shouldn't.... stop telling this lie to yourself. Don't worry, I immediately slapped myself in the face after saying that and did some P90x. It won't happen again.

The Heightened Truth About Dating

Well hello again.... fancy meeting you here.... do you realize I'm only an inch taller than you?

Ok, so it doesn't start like that... let me back up. If I knew all along that going into this dating game that my height was going to be the issue, well hell, I wouldn't have bothered with Weight Watchers! I certainly can't shrink myself.

This is a small rant about dating.... hello welcome to our blog, have we met? Continuing... Not only do you have to worry that once you are in your late 20's men that want to date you are already in their 40's. Yep. yeah late 40's bitches. The men that are your age are looking for 20 year olds! Not 20 something year olds, 20 year olds. Then once you make it to someone who doesn't fall into that category you have to wonder if you are the right body type. Now see this one is the one I thought would be the most difficult to handle having just slimmed down (trust me it hasn't been a day at the parade). Did you say you wanted athletic and toned or did you mean skin and bones??? I prefer to pick 'about average' in this category, as to set zero standards for what I'm going to look like. I mean really, what is more descriptive than the word 'average'?

So if you manage to steer clear of all these issues, then you may or may not run into the whammy that has thrown me for a loop. Your height. Whats that?? Your 5'5"?? Perfect. 5'8"?? Wonderful I'm sure!! 5'11"??? Whoa whoa wait a minute. Hold it right there. Do you know how tall you are? This is the stage of the game that works like a carnival in reverse. Remember all that time you waited to be 'this tall to ride this ride'?? Now you should be glad you are standing under that thin line... Who would have thought that height would be the issue? Certainly not I.

Well rude awakening number 47. It does! In the last two conversations I've had with people online I got "Do you care that we are the exact same height?" (Well no but obviously you do....) and then the more recent.... "I'm only two inches taller than you, is that a problem?" Ahem... lets be clear.... problems: Third eyeball, lives with mom, hairy butt, smokes crack, small stint in a prostitution ring... ALL PROBLEMS. You wanna know what isn't on that list?? I think you get the point.

Me and my future husband.

It's not unusual....

Okay- so it's been a minute since we have posted on this blog and that is for many reasons none of which are exciting enough to discuss. Instead lets do a little recapping for things that you may have missed during this gap.

First off, I recently told you a story about me getting sloppy and perhaps the victim of a little person molestation. The truth is, I re-read that story several times and decided to take a step back from this blog. I couldn't tell if it was hilarious or just plain sad. Haha. Okay maybe a little of both. To your delight and to my horror, nothing has changed much since then.

I went to NYC with friends a month ago. Much like Vegas, I usually choose to keep what happens there a secret since I and others usually act a fool and then we piece our previous night together collectively the next morning. This trip was right in line with that outline. I managed to pick up a straight man at a gay bar, a "doctor" none the less. I use the term "doctor" loosely since I did not see his medical license and frankly because it was brought up so many times during the evening that I can't remember much else about him. Like for example... his name.... anyhow, he danced like a bad version of Carlton from Fresh CARL!!! That was his name, CARL!!! Sorry- like a bad version of Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. We obviously decided to call him that for the remainder of the evening. He really wore out his welcome when he tried to stand between me and Ramon during our rendition of Beyonce's 'Love on Top'. Since he didn't really get the hint that I wouldn't be leaving with him, I had to spell it out slowly.... Dear Carlton, I will only be leaving this club with the 7 men I showed up here with.... none of which want to see me with my clothes off. Sincerely, Getting Smothered.

I haven't gone on many online dates recently, and since the last set of text messages I got from one guy which ranged anywhere from wanting to get snowed in with me, taking care of me while I was sick, and attempting to get me to meet him at a hotel all before we even met, I have canceled my subscription to creeperdate.com and have decided to give the dating thing a little break. Or at least leave it up to fate and see where that lands me. (Which I am well aware landed me no where before but shut your face I am in the middle of trying to be optimistic).

Of course I can't share EVERYTHING, so I won't :) I have no clue whats on the horizon, but I am already planning my big vaca for this birthday year and its gonna be a good one! Stay tuned...