Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sara's Dateline Rules.

Ok folks, it's been a bit, but not for lack of things going on. I am just too good for my own blog these days.... sorry blog, ear muffs.

I wanted to talk about something serious. Stop laughing, I'm serious! Its about getting kidnapped. I know....shit just got real. So basically in my endeavours along with my friends, there is dating activity. Along with dating strangers, comes dangers. And there is no more of a paranoid person then myself to have on your team, since I appointed myself super sleuth of my friendship circle. That is a prestigious honor by the way, don't mock it. I even have my own outfit, it looks something like this:


As self appointed super sleuth, it is my job to watch way to many shows on the ID channel related to murders, sociopaths, kidnapping and crime in general. You call them nightmares, I call them dreams.
I digress, the point is, as my ladies continue to peruse the dating scene I have over time developed rules that are a requirement to making sure your bones won't be made into wind chimes. I call them my Dateline rules, as in, the rules you need to follow so you don't end up on Dateline. Call me crazy, or whatever you want, but at least you will still be able to call me because you won't be dead. (Its a thankless job, but someones got to do it.).

Rule number 1:
Always attempt to pre-stalk your date online. You never know, his arrest record may pop up and save you a 911 phone call. If his facebook photo of him with his wife and children show up in your search you can thank me later. But don't be one of those that gets all cray cray memorizing your date's college major, pet's name, and last twitter update....too much.

Rule number 2:
If they live in another state, you aren't going to meet them for a date. Ever. Not because you can't go there to meet them, but it's against Dateline rules. Do you really think that in the entire state of NY that he couldn't find a girl to go out with, and that you are his dream girl??? You are not. What you are is catfished, away from your friends and family and help. Wind chimes.

Rule number 3:
Tell a friend, or friends everything you know. Like what? Like your date's phone number, description of what they look like, first and last name, where you are going to meet and what time it is happening. Sound a little too much?? Well I'm not done. If you can forward a picture to me, you are really on your game. Whats that?? You don't know their last name?? Wind chimes.

This seems simple, but Dateline rules apply to lots of scenarios. For example, buying things on Craigslist and meeting people to pick them up, etc. I must warn you, however, even Dateline rules can go wrong. Just recently my good friend Audrey went to do this very activity. She followed all the rules and sent me every last bit of information she could. And then..... the unthinkable. Her phone died. Now- I am not one to mess with, I created these damn rules, and I WILL call the cops. I gave her approx 30 min to contact me or else I would get all Liam Neeson on her ass and start tracking her myself. Luckily, she received my series of frantic messaging before I did anything drastic. Lesson learned- charge phone first.

Now these rules have hashtags, and side notes and even branches of more rules, but I hope you can figure them out. If you or one of your friends wishes to apply for super sleuth status, please submit your applications to me via email. There is a training process, you don't get this paranoid overnight.